Because I need to write...

So. I'm tired of complaining. Seriously, I always talk about being too distracted or too depressed or too blah blah blah to write or live or laugh. I wrap myself up in melancholy and hope for the best. I disengage from the world because, personally, I like my imagination better. I mean, who doesn't? But the truth is there is a world beyond the reaches of my self-proclaimed isolation. It's a big one. And consuming myself in books, a job, and a marriage does not equate to living. It equates to "getting by." So, here's a chance to refuel and live. But, before we move on to the finer points of interesting versus uninteresting points of discussion, a quick update on life for those who might be out of the loop.

1. Britter and I are buying a house. Not renting. Not apartment-ing. Purchasing a house. Why am I so old? Anyway, it's a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath in Clinton. It's perfect. We love it. We should close around April 15 and move in June 1. (The seller's have a daughter who is graduating in May and wanted to stay until then. We agreed.) Needless to say, there are many things that will be done and packed and refinished and painted in the near future. But, we're excited. We're going to be homeowners. It's like some elite club of people who can claim that they are "adults." Ugh.

2. I am in the process of trying to get my teaching license for secondary English. Personally, I'm thrilled. Teach literature and writing and other things to students that may or may not be interested. Woot. Even if they aren't interested, I am and that is slightly more important considering that my last 2 jobs have been ones that I secretly want to forget about existing.

3. Life, for the most part, is good. I am trying to make some personal adjustments to overcome this melancholy I've been in for... oh, I don't know... 2 or 3 months now. Much to the chagrin of my wife, I process things internally which means that I've been working through things that I'm finally starting to be able to identify and work through. I'm not finished yet, which means that the process isn't complete and I haven't made any life-altering conclusions. But, I've recognized the process and that's a start.

4. I am recognizing the need for better friendships in my life. Well, let me rephrase. I am recognizing the need for my part in being a better friend in the lives of others, which improve the relational quality of the friendship. It's all very connected. So, I am trying to figure out how to stay connected and be a better friend to those friends I call dear.

5. I want a puppy. And a baby. But we are being smart and waiting. But I can't wait. I mean, I can be patient. But I'm excited. Just needed to share.

Inspiration versus Action

There is a definite difference between inspiration and action. Unfortunately, I am having to learn these two things the hard, long, arduous way rather than the quick and easy. But hey! That's life right? Life is a journey, a process that takes you through the ever-changing mires of existence until you edge your way up onto solid ground of a foundation that you forgot existed so that your life is full of light, life, and the things you always longed for? Well, that's what we say, at least. I'll let you know on my deathbed if we ever made it out of the mires between the ethereal inspiration and the landlocked action. 


Inspiration has seven definitions according to dictionary.com. I chose this one as the closest to my concept of inspiration: a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul. Now, let's go ahead and clear up the divine issue. I'm not necessarily stating that all inspiration is God reaching down from eternity and gifting a vision or idea that compels the artist/dramatist/writer/musician/other to burst forth into craft, though I'm not knocking the idea. I think that each individual was given a talent or passion lying somewhere within the realms of the arts or sciences that causes one to seek inspiration and find it, even in the mundane parts of life. But, it is an influence that is exerted upon the mind or soul that causes the desire to respond to it. For example, one might say that Mother Teresa inspired her to move to India to start a ministry for those living in the slums. This inspiration would be the life that Mother Teresa lived influenced the individual to act in response to imitate or somehow apply something similar to his or her own life. 


Now action has twenty-four different definitions according to dictionary.com. More of a selection. The one closest to my purpose is as follows: an act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity. Thus, action is a willed response that includes physical or mental activity. I, personally, would include spiritually to the list. To act is to move oneself from a state of potential energy, resting and waiting for the moment to be used, to kinetic energy, energy in motion. (Thank you, Basic Physics, for applying to today's thought.) Action is a response to some stimulus, whether good or bad. Even proactive action is a response to a perceived stimulus, so by saying, "Let's be proactive rather than reactive," all one is saying is, "Let's act first to what we think will happen rather than act when what is going to happen happens." Not that I'm against being proactive, but according to this definition... yeah.


So, how does one move from inspiration, the influence upon the mind and soul, to action, the will of movement? Honestly, I think that inspiration is probably romanticized to the point of unattainability by our neo-Romantic culture. So, we move a lot closer than we think. The point, however, is not in the inspiration. It's the action. There has to be action. "So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." (James 2:17) Without some form of action, there can be no change, and inspiration brings change in some form or another. 


So now, the personal. Here are the inspirations that must meet action:
A) Writing. I'm constantly inspired to write. This must needs happen, if not daily then some form of regularity.
B) Husbandry. Not as in "animal husbandry" but as in my role as a husband. I often have strokes of inspiration on how to be better for the one and only. Now to follow through.
C) Faith. Moving from a "if the mood strikes me" to a "spiritual discipline." No excuses.


So, those of you who have accountability on your radars, here you go. You now have three questions you can ask.

Motivation

Motivation. Often the word becomes coupled with "distraction" in my vocabulary. Sad as it may be, motivation is one of my defining weaknesses. Granted, in a job interview I will never say that my greatest weakness is "a lack of motivation." But by understanding that I, for lack of a better term, suck at being motivated, hopefully there can be progress beyond it.

Example. I love to write. Writing is probably the art form that most readily awakens the world around me to one of color rather than muted grays. I love language and the flow of words, the ponderous value of an ever lengthening vocabulary. Honestly, I have a list of words that I love like "ubiquitous" and "marsupial." English nerd, I know. But I have absolutely no motivation. None. Zero. In fact, the only reason I'm writing this blog is because it's 10:00 at night, I'm not sleepy yet, and my wife isn't ready for bed yet. How sad is that? Something that I love becomes a last resort rather than something I seek after. True to the human condition, much?

Another example. Exercise. Words cannot explain how much I hate going to the gym. Yet, once at the gym, I like it. It's the process of leaving my door, driving, arriving, and getting to it. There's just this block there. I have a billion other things that I could be doing and generally do. I know its good for me, but I lack the motivation to go and see it through.

The only problem I have with writing this is the assumption that many who read this will define my lack of motivation laziness. While there is some merit to the point, let me offer a preemptive counter argument. Laziness is defined by the lack of action due to unwillingness or a lack of effort. This is not the case with my lack of motivation. It's not that I'm unwilling or that I don't try. It's that many times I find myself without the... oomph to get up and do whatever is needed at the moment. Now, if it's a dirty kitchen, my motivation is there cause I despise it.... Wait. Does hatred lead me to be motivated. Grr...

How to be Alone - Tanya Davis

This is the poem "How to be Alone" by Tanya Davis. I love the language. I'm also including the link to the youtube video of her performing it. Very well done. And really good thoughts.

If you are at first lonely, be patient.
If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.
We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.
Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.
The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself. 

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.
But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it.
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.
If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Depression

Shadows. Technically, a shadow is the silhouette caused by an obstruction of light. It is the absence of light in a given area. There is no such thing as a complete shadow except for deep caves or college dorm rooms with carefully managed blankets, sheets, curtains, and towels to remove all form of outside lighting. Shadows, however, are more than the physical representation of mass. Shadows are my companions.

It's hard to write about depression, sitting in my office with the bright fluorescent lights and open windows. Some might argue that there is no better place to talk about depression than in one's place of work. Yet, my journey with depression did not start with circumstantial placement of employment. It did not start with the death of family members or my parents' divorce, than these are definitely contributing factors. No. Depression is an old friend of mine, the shadowed recess of my soul. And our journey starts together.

By all accounts, I should be happy. Happiness is circumstantial, and my circumstances are not the worst that have ever been experienced by mankind. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, a job that pays my bills, a wife that I love more than life, and I'm starting to realize dreams. My childhood was not overtly stressful or abusive. My parents love me. Yet, through it all, Depression was there, like a silent observer. It watched and categorized events, compounding situations into tangible expressions of my inner doubts and fears, causing the shadows over my soul to lengthen and grow.

However, I recognize that the shadows may be consistent companions, but they are not the sole expression of my Soul. Again, I'm obsessed with the Soul. It just makes sense to me to be obsessed with the Reality of what makes us ourselves. But, I digress. The Shadows of Depression are not the only expression within my Soul. More often than not, there is Light and Color and Music. But occasionally, there is nothing but gray ash, muted noise, and shadow. This dichotomy, I believe, is more than it merely seems, however. For if there is both Shadow and Light at war within my Soul, than there is something directing the forces that are warring.

There is a philosophical theory regarding the Soul that I am inclined to agree with. Unfortunately, I do not know the name of this theory. Feel free to divulge that information should you like. But the theory, in a very primitive way, states that there are three forces within a person. Good. Evil. And the Soul struggling between the two. I'd like to take this theory just a step further and with a little adaptation.

I am Redeemed. That's my standing before the Lord God. Redeemed. Purchased. Bride. Standing under the blood of Christ, I am Righteous before Him. This Redeemed nature is Light. And it should be growing brighter everyday. However, even though I am Redeemed, I am still Man. Fallen. Sinful. This Fallen state is Shadow. And it strives to deepen its roots within me every day. And then there's me. Not the Redeemed me. Not the Fallen me. Just me. Struggling and striving between the two forces at war within me. Granted, I understand that these two forces are not equal, nor are they capable of influencing me unless I surrender to one or the other. And that, my friend, is the struggle. The struggle to surrender to Light or Shadow. Life or Depression. Truth or Lie.

More important than the struggle is the question: what about today? What is today's surrender? Is it to the Life-giving Light of Christ? Or to the Soul-eating Shadow of the Fall? Some days the answer is more clear than others. Today? We'll see. I'd love to say that it is always to the Light, to Christ. But I can't. But that's my desire. And that's my struggle.

Eat Pray Love - Reflections

Last night was date night. Date night consists of one night a week for the wife and I leave our 2 bedroom apartment and all its trappings and go out. Now, depending upon what week it is, this date night could include dinner, movie, coffee, ice cream, a park, a trip out of the city, etc. The important thing is that we spend an evening out together, just the two of us. Last night was dinner and a movie. Chili's and Eat Pray Love. Britter is a HUGE fan of Julia Roberts, an inclination that I encourage cause I like her as well, and it was either Eat Pray Love or Inception. Neither one of us were in a mood to really think too hard about a movie, so we chose the romantic tale of self discovery. Fail on the not wanting to think about a movie business.

The movie itself was great. It combined elements of acting, storytelling, emotion, setting, and music in ways that have seldom been done before. Even within the story, it brought together a wonderful tale of self discovery and restoration after a mid-life crisis, complete with food, romance, traveling, writing, and laughter. I enjoyed it immensely. However, it awakened in me a few thoughts that I need to write to express, as trying to talk them out never really accomplishes the task. These reflections are not going to come in any specific order of importance; each of them are equally important.

Reflection 1: Lack of Devotion

It amazes me that people of various different religions can show great devotion to their cause. Watching these guru-worshipers as they chant and meditate and send "love and light" to a human woman amazes me. They buy idols of Hindu gods to surround their altar and light candles as they chant and work through their inner demons that clog their mind. They spend time in selfless acts of devotion, serving the community at large. Honestly, I was convicted in the middle of a Julia Roberts movie because my devotion to the Truth and the Way and the Life lacks considerably when compared. Granted, we are not to compare ourselves to others but to Christ. Well, Sunday School Teacher, that's not a step in a better direction for comparison. Honestly, my level of devotion to Christ fails utterly when compared even to a movie's representation of the followers of a false god. Seriously? Yes. Seriously.

Reflection 2: Busyness

In the story, Liz leaves on a year journey around the world after divorcing her husband and living with another boy that did not satisfy the true longings of her heart. All that aside, she spent months in Italy where she learns of an Italian cultural concept: the joy of doing nothing. One of the characters in the movie, Luca, says, "You Americans. You do not know how to have pleasure. You are always entertained, but you have no pleasure in the things you do. We Italians, why pleasure is what we do." Again, it hit me right in the heart. Granted, on a different level than my devotion to Christ, but I am so caught in this world that I take no pleasure in it. When was the last time that I sat down to eat spaghetti and the Queen of the Night aria from The Magic Flute sounded in my head for the simple pleasure of it? When was the last time that I and a group of friends got together and talked of life for the simple joy of it? When was the last time that I heard a new word and just relished the sounds of it as it fell from my tongue? Maybe I'm asking too much of life, but I think that there should be times where it should be enjoyed simply because it is life and it is full of experiences. I am exhausted from the daily accomplishment list of things that need to be, have to be, will be done. I am tired of getting up each day and driving to my job simply because I need to work in this world. I am ready for life to be pleasurable again. Or even pleasurable to start with.

Reflection 3: Travel

Oh my. Seeing images of Rome and Bali made me want to hop on a plane, sell all I have, and go. Well, I missed my opportunity to spend a year abroad and see the world. Which is fine. Really, it is. But this does not quell the desire to go and see and experience. To spend two weeks in Italy, not filling my day with sightseeing and running around the cities. No. To spend two weeks in Italy sauntering from one place to the next with a semi-plan in place of things to see but no exact time and date for every single part of the trip. To spend a few weeks in London walking the foggy streets and seeing plays. To spend weeks in Ireland traveling the countryside and discovering the magic of the Isle. To spend a few weeks in Australia, South Africa, Egypt, Greece, Russia, Brazil, Bali, the Philippines, Canada, Argentina, and wherever else a dart can land on a map. Now, whether that ever happens or not, who knows? But I have the desire. And maybe, that's all I need.

Reflection 4: Music of the Soul

I'm a little obsessed with the Soul. Granted, I think it's a good obsession for the Soul is the only REAL part of me. This physical body will fall and fail and decay, but my Soul I will have forever. In that, I believe that my Soul responds to the world around it in multiple ways. It connects with music, words, smiles, laughter, tears, images, and anything else that it wants to. However, sometimes, I forget that my Soul lives. I forget that I have cluttered my soul with the darkness of this world rather than the Light of Christ. I forget that my Soul desires to live in the freedom of joy and love. I forget that my Soul is the only Real part of me. From it comes all my desires, emotions, loves, hates, words, thoughts, and parts of me that I do not understand. I forget the music it makes as it sings. Now, this may be a little too mystical for some of you, and that's fine. I admit I have a mystic side to me. Yet the truth is this: my Soul longs for something more in this life that I have no idea what it is. Yet there are times when I see, hear, taste, touch, or smell something that awakens it in me. And this movie did just that.

Eat Pray Love is not some catch-all movie designed to open up the hearts of the people to something grand and inescapable or share the secrets of the universe. However, it did awaken my Soul to something more. And it was a very good movie.

Selfishness

When was the last time you were moved to tears by praying for someone else?

When was the last time that the love of God caused an emotional outpouring that rivaled your love for your significant other?

When was the last time that passion erupted out of what you desired and formed an action that was real?

When was the last time that you sought the company of a friend just to share the joy of life and truth?

When was the last time that you were sought out by a friend just to share the joy of life and truth?

These are the questions I ponder as I fall asleep at night. These are the questions that I can't answer.