Depression

Shadows. Technically, a shadow is the silhouette caused by an obstruction of light. It is the absence of light in a given area. There is no such thing as a complete shadow except for deep caves or college dorm rooms with carefully managed blankets, sheets, curtains, and towels to remove all form of outside lighting. Shadows, however, are more than the physical representation of mass. Shadows are my companions.

It's hard to write about depression, sitting in my office with the bright fluorescent lights and open windows. Some might argue that there is no better place to talk about depression than in one's place of work. Yet, my journey with depression did not start with circumstantial placement of employment. It did not start with the death of family members or my parents' divorce, than these are definitely contributing factors. No. Depression is an old friend of mine, the shadowed recess of my soul. And our journey starts together.

By all accounts, I should be happy. Happiness is circumstantial, and my circumstances are not the worst that have ever been experienced by mankind. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, a job that pays my bills, a wife that I love more than life, and I'm starting to realize dreams. My childhood was not overtly stressful or abusive. My parents love me. Yet, through it all, Depression was there, like a silent observer. It watched and categorized events, compounding situations into tangible expressions of my inner doubts and fears, causing the shadows over my soul to lengthen and grow.

However, I recognize that the shadows may be consistent companions, but they are not the sole expression of my Soul. Again, I'm obsessed with the Soul. It just makes sense to me to be obsessed with the Reality of what makes us ourselves. But, I digress. The Shadows of Depression are not the only expression within my Soul. More often than not, there is Light and Color and Music. But occasionally, there is nothing but gray ash, muted noise, and shadow. This dichotomy, I believe, is more than it merely seems, however. For if there is both Shadow and Light at war within my Soul, than there is something directing the forces that are warring.

There is a philosophical theory regarding the Soul that I am inclined to agree with. Unfortunately, I do not know the name of this theory. Feel free to divulge that information should you like. But the theory, in a very primitive way, states that there are three forces within a person. Good. Evil. And the Soul struggling between the two. I'd like to take this theory just a step further and with a little adaptation.

I am Redeemed. That's my standing before the Lord God. Redeemed. Purchased. Bride. Standing under the blood of Christ, I am Righteous before Him. This Redeemed nature is Light. And it should be growing brighter everyday. However, even though I am Redeemed, I am still Man. Fallen. Sinful. This Fallen state is Shadow. And it strives to deepen its roots within me every day. And then there's me. Not the Redeemed me. Not the Fallen me. Just me. Struggling and striving between the two forces at war within me. Granted, I understand that these two forces are not equal, nor are they capable of influencing me unless I surrender to one or the other. And that, my friend, is the struggle. The struggle to surrender to Light or Shadow. Life or Depression. Truth or Lie.

More important than the struggle is the question: what about today? What is today's surrender? Is it to the Life-giving Light of Christ? Or to the Soul-eating Shadow of the Fall? Some days the answer is more clear than others. Today? We'll see. I'd love to say that it is always to the Light, to Christ. But I can't. But that's my desire. And that's my struggle.

Eat Pray Love - Reflections

Last night was date night. Date night consists of one night a week for the wife and I leave our 2 bedroom apartment and all its trappings and go out. Now, depending upon what week it is, this date night could include dinner, movie, coffee, ice cream, a park, a trip out of the city, etc. The important thing is that we spend an evening out together, just the two of us. Last night was dinner and a movie. Chili's and Eat Pray Love. Britter is a HUGE fan of Julia Roberts, an inclination that I encourage cause I like her as well, and it was either Eat Pray Love or Inception. Neither one of us were in a mood to really think too hard about a movie, so we chose the romantic tale of self discovery. Fail on the not wanting to think about a movie business.

The movie itself was great. It combined elements of acting, storytelling, emotion, setting, and music in ways that have seldom been done before. Even within the story, it brought together a wonderful tale of self discovery and restoration after a mid-life crisis, complete with food, romance, traveling, writing, and laughter. I enjoyed it immensely. However, it awakened in me a few thoughts that I need to write to express, as trying to talk them out never really accomplishes the task. These reflections are not going to come in any specific order of importance; each of them are equally important.

Reflection 1: Lack of Devotion

It amazes me that people of various different religions can show great devotion to their cause. Watching these guru-worshipers as they chant and meditate and send "love and light" to a human woman amazes me. They buy idols of Hindu gods to surround their altar and light candles as they chant and work through their inner demons that clog their mind. They spend time in selfless acts of devotion, serving the community at large. Honestly, I was convicted in the middle of a Julia Roberts movie because my devotion to the Truth and the Way and the Life lacks considerably when compared. Granted, we are not to compare ourselves to others but to Christ. Well, Sunday School Teacher, that's not a step in a better direction for comparison. Honestly, my level of devotion to Christ fails utterly when compared even to a movie's representation of the followers of a false god. Seriously? Yes. Seriously.

Reflection 2: Busyness

In the story, Liz leaves on a year journey around the world after divorcing her husband and living with another boy that did not satisfy the true longings of her heart. All that aside, she spent months in Italy where she learns of an Italian cultural concept: the joy of doing nothing. One of the characters in the movie, Luca, says, "You Americans. You do not know how to have pleasure. You are always entertained, but you have no pleasure in the things you do. We Italians, why pleasure is what we do." Again, it hit me right in the heart. Granted, on a different level than my devotion to Christ, but I am so caught in this world that I take no pleasure in it. When was the last time that I sat down to eat spaghetti and the Queen of the Night aria from The Magic Flute sounded in my head for the simple pleasure of it? When was the last time that I and a group of friends got together and talked of life for the simple joy of it? When was the last time that I heard a new word and just relished the sounds of it as it fell from my tongue? Maybe I'm asking too much of life, but I think that there should be times where it should be enjoyed simply because it is life and it is full of experiences. I am exhausted from the daily accomplishment list of things that need to be, have to be, will be done. I am tired of getting up each day and driving to my job simply because I need to work in this world. I am ready for life to be pleasurable again. Or even pleasurable to start with.

Reflection 3: Travel

Oh my. Seeing images of Rome and Bali made me want to hop on a plane, sell all I have, and go. Well, I missed my opportunity to spend a year abroad and see the world. Which is fine. Really, it is. But this does not quell the desire to go and see and experience. To spend two weeks in Italy, not filling my day with sightseeing and running around the cities. No. To spend two weeks in Italy sauntering from one place to the next with a semi-plan in place of things to see but no exact time and date for every single part of the trip. To spend a few weeks in London walking the foggy streets and seeing plays. To spend weeks in Ireland traveling the countryside and discovering the magic of the Isle. To spend a few weeks in Australia, South Africa, Egypt, Greece, Russia, Brazil, Bali, the Philippines, Canada, Argentina, and wherever else a dart can land on a map. Now, whether that ever happens or not, who knows? But I have the desire. And maybe, that's all I need.

Reflection 4: Music of the Soul

I'm a little obsessed with the Soul. Granted, I think it's a good obsession for the Soul is the only REAL part of me. This physical body will fall and fail and decay, but my Soul I will have forever. In that, I believe that my Soul responds to the world around it in multiple ways. It connects with music, words, smiles, laughter, tears, images, and anything else that it wants to. However, sometimes, I forget that my Soul lives. I forget that I have cluttered my soul with the darkness of this world rather than the Light of Christ. I forget that my Soul desires to live in the freedom of joy and love. I forget that my Soul is the only Real part of me. From it comes all my desires, emotions, loves, hates, words, thoughts, and parts of me that I do not understand. I forget the music it makes as it sings. Now, this may be a little too mystical for some of you, and that's fine. I admit I have a mystic side to me. Yet the truth is this: my Soul longs for something more in this life that I have no idea what it is. Yet there are times when I see, hear, taste, touch, or smell something that awakens it in me. And this movie did just that.

Eat Pray Love is not some catch-all movie designed to open up the hearts of the people to something grand and inescapable or share the secrets of the universe. However, it did awaken my Soul to something more. And it was a very good movie.