Depression

Shadows. Technically, a shadow is the silhouette caused by an obstruction of light. It is the absence of light in a given area. There is no such thing as a complete shadow except for deep caves or college dorm rooms with carefully managed blankets, sheets, curtains, and towels to remove all form of outside lighting. Shadows, however, are more than the physical representation of mass. Shadows are my companions.

It's hard to write about depression, sitting in my office with the bright fluorescent lights and open windows. Some might argue that there is no better place to talk about depression than in one's place of work. Yet, my journey with depression did not start with circumstantial placement of employment. It did not start with the death of family members or my parents' divorce, than these are definitely contributing factors. No. Depression is an old friend of mine, the shadowed recess of my soul. And our journey starts together.

By all accounts, I should be happy. Happiness is circumstantial, and my circumstances are not the worst that have ever been experienced by mankind. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, a job that pays my bills, a wife that I love more than life, and I'm starting to realize dreams. My childhood was not overtly stressful or abusive. My parents love me. Yet, through it all, Depression was there, like a silent observer. It watched and categorized events, compounding situations into tangible expressions of my inner doubts and fears, causing the shadows over my soul to lengthen and grow.

However, I recognize that the shadows may be consistent companions, but they are not the sole expression of my Soul. Again, I'm obsessed with the Soul. It just makes sense to me to be obsessed with the Reality of what makes us ourselves. But, I digress. The Shadows of Depression are not the only expression within my Soul. More often than not, there is Light and Color and Music. But occasionally, there is nothing but gray ash, muted noise, and shadow. This dichotomy, I believe, is more than it merely seems, however. For if there is both Shadow and Light at war within my Soul, than there is something directing the forces that are warring.

There is a philosophical theory regarding the Soul that I am inclined to agree with. Unfortunately, I do not know the name of this theory. Feel free to divulge that information should you like. But the theory, in a very primitive way, states that there are three forces within a person. Good. Evil. And the Soul struggling between the two. I'd like to take this theory just a step further and with a little adaptation.

I am Redeemed. That's my standing before the Lord God. Redeemed. Purchased. Bride. Standing under the blood of Christ, I am Righteous before Him. This Redeemed nature is Light. And it should be growing brighter everyday. However, even though I am Redeemed, I am still Man. Fallen. Sinful. This Fallen state is Shadow. And it strives to deepen its roots within me every day. And then there's me. Not the Redeemed me. Not the Fallen me. Just me. Struggling and striving between the two forces at war within me. Granted, I understand that these two forces are not equal, nor are they capable of influencing me unless I surrender to one or the other. And that, my friend, is the struggle. The struggle to surrender to Light or Shadow. Life or Depression. Truth or Lie.

More important than the struggle is the question: what about today? What is today's surrender? Is it to the Life-giving Light of Christ? Or to the Soul-eating Shadow of the Fall? Some days the answer is more clear than others. Today? We'll see. I'd love to say that it is always to the Light, to Christ. But I can't. But that's my desire. And that's my struggle.