Through the Window

For most of my life, I have always had the sensation of being on the outside looking in. In every friend group, in every relationship (minus one), in every family situation, I've always felt like I was outside of it, excluded from it, denied it.

Now, this could lead to a pity party and an overly emotional, dramatic event, but that is the opposite way this should go. Because, the question is, why? Why would I feel like that? Is the friend groups I choose, or the relationships I build, or the situations I find myself? Is it my personality to always feel excluded, some martyr tendency that builds a divide between myself and the world? Is it just life situations: am I in a different place than every other person I know and therefore suffer loneliness for it?

I don't know. But I do know that the only relationship that isn't like this is the one with my wife. She's the only constant and my true best friend. Times may be tough, difficult, interesting, great, joyful, or sorrowful. But she's all I want at the end of the day.

Yet, I still desire the companionship I once had with others. I don't think it can all be chalked up to "growing up." That's not okay with me. There must be something else, something more, something deeper to this desire that goes unfulfilled. Otherwise, why would it pain me to see life like an outsider looking in?

Through the window is a world full of drama, frustration, irritation, and many other emotions. Yet, it's a world full of laughter, joy, tears, and pain. It's a world of community. Maybe that's what I want and just cannot seem to find. Community.